Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
