He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
