After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
