if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
