i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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