Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
