he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
