He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
