just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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