Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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