i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize