what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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