dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
