Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I think my moral compass just broke
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
