His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
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