please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
