did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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