Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
