I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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