Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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