It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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