I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
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