Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
