is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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