don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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