Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
