Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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