life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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