If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize