I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
