My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
