he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
