there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
