I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
