Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize