Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
