nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If I die, sorry about rent.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
