Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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