Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
