the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
