My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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