he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
