I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
