Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
