do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
