No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
