It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize