I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
