You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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