I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
