my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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