i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
