Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
