Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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