It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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