I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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