so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize