ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
