there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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