we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
