sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
