I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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