The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
