tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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